by Naseli Tagoai #H82876 ASP
My Story:
I should start by who I had been in my family.., Then who I thought and believed I was.., And should be, to and in a lifestyle I’d chosen to live, and the very destructive antisocial core belief system and dysfunctionally warp ideologies I justified, rationalized, minimized, and absolutely used in all my decisions and choices. It was through and by the prayers of intercession from my loved ones, the very few friends where hope never wavered in their hearts. Even when life without the possibility of parole became the cost of being lost in places, empty spaces.., forgotten only in the cracks of endless pages without faces of unlimited sentences buried in the countless dark attics of time.
My name is Naseli Tagoai, I am the eldest of ten siblings. Which sadly during this length of my current incarceration, I’ve lost two younger siblings to senseless acts of gang and criminal violence. My sister and my brother were murdered.., Innocently and violently by selfish actions of a choice. I also lost a younger brother to severe health problems caused by.., and due to his struggle and battles with alcoholism and drug addiction. My father died four years after my sister was murdered, due to a heart attack. He also suffered from a lost battle of alcoholism. The rest of my siblings and I have only our mother.
My family dynamic wasn’t by any standard normal.., Nor was it a safe healthy, or a nurturing atmosphere to have been raised in. Domestic violence and child abuse filled every room, space, and thoughts wrapped by fear. Healthy, prosocial values, words of encouragement, affirmations, decent morals, and displays of affection, and expressions of being loved, had no existence inside my home life setting. My father was an abusively violent alcoholic. My mother endured years of domestic violence. Every form of violence was present within.., and outside of the home life I experienced.
As a young boy I learned and normalized violence, abuse, anger, and fear as means to resolve and survive what life’s challenges and confusion created. I developed a deep hate, resentment, bitterness, and violent aggression towards adults, authoritative figures, and anyone outside of my criminal gang belief system. I took what I wanted, did as I chose, disregarded and disrespected everyone who challenged my distorted views and ideologies adopted by and in the code of violence. I became.., and was heartless even to an extent towards my real family. I substituted them out for a criminal and gang membership. My adamant complete disregard for a human life without remorse had been the face I wore of a monster. It was the face of a mask, with a calloused heart that on the night of June 1, 1990, I brutally and senselessly took the life of my victim. That night became what nightmares are made of. I created a fog of fear the night I took Mr. Duarte’s life, and the community my family had been a part of. Now, I looked at them with distrust and disbelief, to the point that they were shunned and no longer seen or welcomed in the community. My family suffered greatly and dearly.., financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. What kind of a person would abandon a mother who did her very best to protect him from the violence he had been subjected to by his father, other male members of his extended family, while doing her best to raise and provide for her nine other children?
I was that person, who abandoned my family, leaving my mother alone to raise my younger siblings. Because I was selfish, all I cared about was the gang criminal lifestyle.., and myself. Even after my trial, hearing the unanimous verdict returned of; We the jury found defendant Naseli Tagoai, guilty of 1st degree murder, guilty of attempted robbery, with special circumstances. The weight of those words had no effect as I stood there before the jury.., Like a stoic stone statue. During my sentencing phase, As the judge sentenced me to; Life Without The Possibility Of Parole.., My first and only thought was; finally this is over with, now I can get out of the county jail and start my prison life. I didn’t think about Mr. Duarte’s family, nor even my own.
Finally in prison I familiarized myself with mandated routines, gang segregation based on racial affiliations, and criminal resources as well as contribution. I pledged my loyalty and commitment to an invisible oppression through fear, violence, threats, and psychological manipulation to imprison and enforce submission to a lifestyle of hate and hopelessness. A prison code that I imprisoned my mind in, ruled by self appointed criminal gang affiliated prison politicians. The backbone and cerebral cortex of animalistic chaos infused by the human need for acceptance and security.
My choices.., these choices mirrored my adopted core beliefs and distorted ideologies which handcuffed and shackled my heart and my life to a downward unwinding road of unforgiveness, wrapped around my neck like a thick noose reinforced with every strand of layer laced in my own past hidden and buried traumas. I became another puppet pulled by strings of distrust, hate, bitterness, wearing a mask fashioned with a pain suffocatingly unshakable. I had enslaved my mind and thoughts to this case welded together in a convict’s creed for twenty-eight years, living and upholding lies.
Almost three decades of being enslaved and mentally imprisoned by childhood traumatic violence, abuse, low self worth, rejection, and betrayals. When a subtle shift began to unravel the threads of lies that had bound me and strangled my heart, choking away the breath God had breathed into my spirit before my birth. What was not apparent or even fathomable to my calloused conscience.., was; God is real.., and that He exists. As I write and share of; “Who I am today?” My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Is.., Will be.., And has been there from the beginning of the very step he had strengthened me to take in His transformation of my life.
I had once believed that every choice.., Every decision, thought, or action was my own as God began the subtle shifts to renew my mind, my heart, my spirit, and my thoughts. I did not consider or even think outside of these prison bars, reinforced concrete walls, electric fences, or the constant shadows of prison guards lurking above in the guard towers surrounding the yards and prison. The life I had chosen was being revealed slowly through and in the glory of God’s purposed will, plan, and calling in my life. Please.., Do not mistake these words.., or assume that God had a part in my sins, gang, and criminal lifestyle or actions.
Those choices and actions were lies, deceptions, and smoke and mirrors of a life created to separate me from the only truth that’s real.., God’s truth written in the hearts and pages of His gospel; the bible. Today, and the days before, and days after to come.., I share the story that God has written and authorized of my life in Him today. The achievements, accomplishments, success, recovery, and paper trails of certificates, laudatory chronos, support letters, and any and all documented positive program participation, as well as mentorship and facilitation is accredited praise to God almighty only.., that His glory may be revealed in my life according to His goodness and pleasure.
By Jesus Christ’s saving grace and mercy, my heart, my attitude, thoughts, and belief systems are no longer trapped in the past as that despicable person I once was. The roads and journey to be who God has fashioned, shaped, and created me to be. It has been an uphill climb from the first step, struggles, trials, disappointments, and temptations has definitely stood in the way as the hardest, most soberminded gauntlet I’ve ever experienced in recovery, facing my many other addictions aside from drugs and alcohol. I recall hearing and listening to recovering addicts, former gang and criminal members shape; how it took hitting rock bottom or a hand of God to realize they were powerless to make the necessary changes In their thoughts, In their life style, and courage to stand up against their own battles to see who they really are without a mask, blurred, shades, or the teflon vests of lies and plastic loyalty. Their testimonies resonated deeply within me like a paper cut.., unexpected but just as painfully clear. That painful cut was God’s touch on my heart, the calloused scars and wounds life had blanketed my inability to feel emotions, trust, forgive, accept, and love. They were slowly and carefully being removed and replaced with the love and healing grace of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
In every dark and tainted area of my mind, heart, and soul, God has torn away with His saving light. He has revealed to me insight to why? I had lived in such a fallen state of violence, hate, aggression, and fear. I had believed every lie of abuse, pain, hurt, violence, betrayal, and self worth I had been told; “ I deserved.” I know who I am today because my eyes are clearly focused on God. He has filled my heart, with a prosocial christian lifestyle. I am a man of God who serves Jesus Christ with His love, light, and truth.., with others who are struggling with the battle of lies in their hearts, mind, and belief system.
With God’s guidance, strength, wisdom, and courage, every and any interaction and conversation inside and outside of these walls, metal cages, electric fences, and concrete buildings, that I have, I testify to how God has saved me, a murderer. Now I live everyday in a living.., In direct amends to honor my victims memory, his family, our communities, my family, and each and every person I have hurt, betrayed, pained, and caused traumatic fear and suffering in their lives. Whether it was emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and financially.., and physically.
I can only hope that the groups God has led me to participate, complete, and even facilitate will help others who have made bad choices, worn the mask of monsters, or victimized others through all and any type of violence. Find healing with themselves and those their direct and indirect actions and choices have affected. Healing and recovery, as well as genuine rehabilitative transformation begins and starts with a willingness to surrender old and unhealthy thinking and belief systems. It takes a man to stand upright to be of service to others, rather than himself. I found forgiveness and the man I am in Jesus Christ and the people who are my support network and accountability partners. My beautiful amazing wife, a woman God blessed me with to walk beside me in this journey. Thank you my love Elena Tagoai for encouraging me and supporting me to write this for F.U.E.L.
I want to thank F.U.E.L for giving myself and my L.W.O.P brothers and sisters a platform and opportunity to walk with your organization and Shriner’s Children Hospital in this fundraiser.