Three Months after my 18th birthday I was arrested for a gang related murder. After reviewing my extensive juvenile record the judge said he would not faile me like society apparently had, so he sentenced me to life without the possibility of parole (LWOP). Although I wasn’t mature enough to legally buy cigarettes or alcohol his decision made it clear I wasn’t redeemable as a human being.
In hindsight LWOP was appropriate because I lacked the emotional maturity needed to properly process the fear, shame, anger that resulted from traumas experienced in my childhood. I now take full responsibility for the choices I made to engage in the gang-criminal lifestyle. I’ve identified low self esteem as a major influence that fueled a very warped belief system. This toxic way of thinking was conducive to demonizing-dehumanizing people in my community by expressing my insecurity-turmoil through destructive behavior.
I’ve used the last 29 years to reeducate myself and history has shown that humanity’s survival has always been connected to hope.
Hope got us through Slavery, the Holocaust, the Great Depression, World War. Hope has always provided that very dim light in the dark abyss of hopelessness. It always inspired people to dig deeper into themselves to adjust, endure, overcome. There’s no hope in LWOP. The indeterminate period of deprivation, lost, regret …… constantly searching for reasons to back away from the cliff and deal with that slow torturous death sentence behind you. LWOP denies our innate ability to completely transform ourselves through emotional, spiritual, reawakening into individuals who can contribute to the betterment of society.
When I reflect on my shameful past the torment it causes my soul will outlive the pulsations in my heart. I can never undo the suffering-pain I caused, but I plan on dedicating the remainder of my existence to restoring balance to the community I helped destroy.
Once I decided to change I had to create a record of successes to rival the failures of my past. I started this journey by getting my GED. I’m currently enrolled in Bakersfield College chasing an AA degree in communication. I’m a facilitator in self help groups to men interested in change. I enjoy writing articles in a magazine called The Beat Within which is distributed to at-risk youth in California and a couple of other states to offer insight into the realities of what comes after our initiation into gang-criminality. LWOP should be abolished in all forms.
In solidarity,
WILLIAM CURL K-47268