I am in great hope that Senate Bill 94 will pass. This is my first time ever being in prison. But the sad part of it is that I’ve been locked up sine 1985 at the age of 25.1 am now 63. 64 in May.
Please know in no way am I using excuses for anyone losing their life. But as I look back upon my life, I’ve realized that every time I got in trouble, argued with my wife (or family, lost my job) got in fights and so on was because I had been intoxicated. And the intoxication entered my life at the age of 16. That’s when I realized being drunk covered my depression and the abuse I went through as I grew from about 3 or 4 until 13.
Then joining the army at 17, it became worse because drinking was easier to attain. And again, not realizing it, I see how my childhood created my path in life towards the wrong direction. How can someone with soooo much love in their heart towards people, animals, even little insects, become so different under the influence of alcohol? I love my mom who passed in 2007 from breast cancer, very much, but having seven step dads up to the age of 13 was hard. Then two years living with a step mother who hated me over her own kids was traumatizing.
Just one example. I had a problem wetting the bed up until 13. But from age 10 to 12, I was extremely scared. She would wait until everyone was gone, before she would physically & mentally torture me. One evening she came into my room (making me sleep on an old army cot), she pulled my penis out and put a huge butcher knife on to it an told me that if I didn’t stop peeing the bed she would cut if off. All I could do was cry and was so afraid to tell anyone because she would hurt me if I did.
I couldn’t figure it out because I know I was a good boy. I had problems learning and understanding through grade school. Why, I don’t know. I believe I had “ADHD”, but no one helped me with it. Instead, I would be punished and told how stupid I was, or how my mom wished she had a girl instead of me-a boy.
Knowing how alcohol caused so many problems for me as well as making me ever more depressed, I stopped drinking in 1992-93. I helped myself to heal somewhat by reading the bible for the first time in my life. Not becoming religious, but more of understanding what it meant to talk and open up with someone I could truly trust and believing in the power of prayer was helping me to trust in things, I couldn’t see at that moment. A big part also of healing was having a woman’s sincere love. I can’t say enough of the power of love between two people. Though it be friend or more. Love can change anyone’s heart and path for the better. I truly believe my greatest accomplishment in life isn’t material issues or how many self-help group I attend. For me it’s knowing the true meaning of empathy. How I enjoy listening and being able to love that person without judgement. If you have understanding and not afraid to show love, you will walk on the path to a joyful and positive life.
My best friend in the world just passed away in January. “My step dad since I was 13”. I never felt soooo lonely as I do now. But I believe with all my heart that love will enter my life again. I may have the LWOP sentence, but they’ll never be able to take away the love I have in my heart to share with everyone. Hopefully I’ll be blessed one day with a special friend. Someone to laugh with and just be silly with. I believe in miracles.
I’ll close here and say Thank You, that there is still people who care and believe in second chances. I love you Guys & Girls soooo much for all you are doing for those who have no one defending them. Thank You with all my heart.
Sincerely,
Billy
William Kornafel-D31803
Corcoran State Prison/4B-3R-35
PO Box 3481
Corcoran, CA 93212